ONE OF MANY

 I will now commence the process of writing, it has been such a long time since the last time I did anything like what I plan to do onward for today,  let me tell you, I am going to write good fiction, I am going to write the best story that my brain can conjure, and this here works kinda like a writing exercise, to get used to the ideas flowing, coming and going, this here is like muscle training, I am gaining insurmountable amounts of muscle mass, and to that I say, gross, but like, from now onward, I am going to  free write 5k words on a day, and write a short story on the other, I plan on making the most of my abilities, they are few, but now, I finally have time to make it grow once back again, and you know what, I will not give up until I write the next office job, but like, this time, it will be better, it will be more engaging, and I had that project, hadn't I? I was going write mother of leaning from the ground up, well, I have no idea, I kinda of think it will not thrive the results I expect, I really should think about something extremely useful, I know what, I know nothing of what I said, I plan to extrapolate, I am going to write something where people will read and think, oh, this guy has talent, or something like that, wouldn’t that be great


I plan on writing something very sad, tragic, it will gut wrench the reader, that is not the right way to use that strophe, it is always going sideways when I look at the the point I wish to be, and realize where I really am, the fruit rots in my fridge, I planned to lose weight, to be on top shape, to be the est version of myself, but it is so damn hard when I feel like utter garbage, I am so tired most of the time, and writing right now, much less a hundred words, 5k sounds very much like torture for me, like, can you even believe how hard things are?. well, lets cut the whining, or maybe not, I am trying to heal my inner child, I want to love myself, and do good for myself, I am not sure on what that entail, but I will learn, and with that knowledge, I will thrive

IT TAKES TIME TO GET TO WHERE i ONCE WAS, i THOUGHT FOR SURE i WOULD BE LIKE, 800 WORDS, OR 750, AND FAR FROM IT, IT WAS ACTUALLY HALF OF THAT NUMBER THE AMOUNT THAT i WROTE, SO, i AM TRYING TO GET PAST MY OWN MUDDLED HEAD, AND COME WITH THE WARDS TO ACHIEVE MY GOAL, BUT TO TELL THE TRUTH, i JUST FELL UNBEARABLY TIRED, SO MUCH SO THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM, LIKE, FOR REAL REAL, i THINK THAT ANY KIND OF BRUTE FORCE IN TRYING TO ACHIEVE MY GOAL WILL ONLY LEAD ME TO HATE WRITING, SO INSTEAD, EVEN IF IT TAKES LONGER, i AM GOING TO WRITE SOMETHING POWERFUL


i USED TO WRITE 5K WORDS A DAY IN APRIL, THATS IS VERY INTERESTING, i DON’T KNOW WHAT THE REASON WAS, MAYBE IT WAS i HAD ALL THIS BOTTLED UP FEELINGS ABOUT STUFF, i HAVE NOW A CHANCE TO RECOVER, TO GROW, i AM A MAIMED VICTIM OF MYSELF, i HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO GROW LIKE i ONCE DID, SHOULD i SLOW THE PACE OF WHICH THE WORDS COME IN, i JUST THINK THAT WILLING MYSELF TO MAKE IT HAPPEN IS SOMETHING HARD, LIKE, i WANT TO DO BETTER, i REALLY DO, BUT THINK FOR A SECOND THAT i AM SLACKING OF, AND MY WHOLE MIND IS THROWN INTO THE WHOLE ABYSS OF SELF DOUBT, i AM NOT SURE i WILL BE ABLE TO CATCH THE HABIT OF WRITING ONCE AGAIN, IT LASTED FOR LIKE, 8 DAYS, BUT REALLY, ITS THE WORST FEELING EVER OF NOT BEING ABLE TO DO SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT THE THINGS i NEED DONE.


I had a lot of angst, a need to get out of my head and into somewhere else, a lot of self hate, like, the amount of hatred I had for myself, Its like, off the charts, I know very little of myself, I know jackshit


I think my head is not very equipped for the thing, how about we try one week just 1k and we go to 5k in the next one, seems more doable


and even then, I am still short of 3 hundred words, like, why it be so hard? it wasn’t supposed to be so, things were meant to be easier, I will try again, again, I refuse to not write, I have time, I have will, I need to make it, I need to do good, I think that a word limit is great, and I will be doing so, let the words spill like sludge from my brain, a dreadful mixture of both gutter trash and respite of hatred, I want nothing more than to kill myself for letting the gift rot


brain rot, maggots, the meat so squishy beneath my fingers, the fiber so sticky, even as it lands on the floor, the strings attach themselves to my glove, I hate being hungry, I hate the mouth watering smell this rotten brain seems to make me feel, my stomach would rumble, it should do so, in the hunger I felt, int the smell that I smell, I feel so hard to be me, thoughts get slower the colder it is, at nigh, night coming, I feel the thing that is not me getting bigger, with it passing day, it gets harder to grow, to be me inside of me when the me that isn’t me grows more and more with time, and I should be disgusted by the smell of death, but, eating makes me stronger, I don’t want to become like then, the ones that are less them that they should, if I starve myself, I starve myself, and the thing, the instinct, the all powerful lizard brain, brain, brain, brain, I want to eat, I want to eat so bad it makes my whole body shudder, I just want the stink to go, so my stomach that isn’t growling would stop to growl, I want nothing more than to be me without having to worry of never being me nevermore, I hate myself, I hate the me that is taking over me, I I hate the me fighting to be me as I take it stick bite, the way the taste lingers, and how much I enjoy each second of each


I don’t remember when I was bitten, I know that, I know that, what do I…. KNOW……………………..




I think I am going to start my brand new fixation, League of Legends lore, like, who knows, I loved arcane, it would be fun to see them pulling a weapon, or see a new character and go, this and this and this, I want to do something as great as league of legends, someone, if they heard this, they would snicker, well, happens to be good, the artists and all the people who put the effort into the thing just want to be appreciated