11th and 12th Days of April

 When I saw the length in this one, I got so sad, so, no sweet for this one I guess.

 I have a lot of feelings in need of decompressing, today I had the first class of the year, and I am not truly a fan of how I am feeling right now


The feelings I felt for now are, shame, I have a lot of shame, I am like, swimming in that stuff, didn't want it to be so, but I am deeply ashamed of myself for failing so hard, so hard, it gives me sinking feeling, and I want to distance myself from the keyboard, I pavloved myself to fear school,  ut I promised myself to not let this year turn into another failure.


And I don't know where comes all this spite of mine towards teacher stephanie, well, for one, she got too caught up in the mindset about the circumstances surrounding how and to who were written the realism heroes, instead of just saying a concrete description, realist hero, the movement opposes romantism, with a realistic character with flaws and a well rounded personality, the realism carries in the text itself a social critic of the times.


And I really hate how she dismissed my explanation about the day to day character where the story is no bigger than life itself because I used the cartomante tale, instead the ine that she was reading, because, really, my brain just enters in sleep mode when someone tries to read something to me, my attention cannot handle the monotone tone, and maybe it is this


Feeling that I am something grater than they all that brings the most shame, when I think that I am better than my peers, but than, I fail to reach my own expectations, and I end spiralling hard towards the darkness of my own heart, and I don't want that, I want to take school more seriously, I want to overwrite this concept in my mind that school is a waste of time, because if I don't I will continue to waste away by failing over and over again.


action packed is quite used as a positive adjective to describe a story, isn’t it? but I’ve come to the realisation, that I fucking hate action, like, I thought fights were what made good stories, but now, I see a fighting scene, in anything, and I kinda of just want to groan?

like, the only reason that I watch kimetsu no yaiba is because I really like the characters, Tanjirou, Nezuko, Inosuke, and the yellow one, plus, the animation is fucking gorgeous, but as my days have drawn to the inevitable, but if god lets me, far away end, I come to apreciate the nuances of day to day story telling, interaction between people, and taking small steps towards small goals, like, intead of killing the big baddie, a story about the day to day of a tokyo man on the country and the renovation of his house, is quite soothing, I really liked the first time I watched it.


I think one thing that I like too, and I like a lot, no shadow of a doubt, is drama, man, I love drama, like, I love you, but you love her and she loves me, so I will use her to spend time with you, but I know I have no chance, I am happy enough just being beside the person I like, and even if it pains me, I will support your relationship with her, just, don’t leave me again, please.


this kind of dog blood is what seems to keep me going nowadays, like, dear lord, that is so goddamn good, I just love it with my whole heart, blue flag tore a hole in my heart, I wish I could write some good drama like that.






I must write my records, for I am the last of my specie, so I cannot die


I don’t know how I used to do this, like, why is it going so slowly today, like, I guess I might be rusty, but like, I kinda of wanted to just come here and boom paw, I am actually


lets write a love triangle


we will have glasses-kun, we will have cap-kun (street fighter) and we will have flower pin chan. it is not fair that I realised I just want glasses kun and cap-kun to get together, so I think it would be a good love triangle as twilight. if for some freaky reason you don’t know what twilight is, good for you, and also bad, nobody should be reading this here, not cool


in the himbo axis, I really gravitate towards the hunk, like, buff body and kindness, sign me up daddy, like, please, rail me until me legs turn into decoration I wonder why I am writing so.. slowly.


maybe the well needs time to refill, maybe I need time to refill, I want to not be so tired in the future






My Roommate is a Male Escort


I came to the realization that my college roommate is selling his body


At night, when he thinks I am asleep, he sneaks out of our dorm. It is not like he has to give me any justification, but the fact that he seemed to wait for the exact moment where I would have gone to sleep to sneak away was a weird thing for me.


I would wake up with the sound of our door opening, and from them on, I would just pretend to be asleep so he would get done with whatever he was doing.


He would get out and I would have room all to myself, I didn't have anything in particular in mind to do in his absence, I would study or watch anything, I guess it didn't made a difference if he was or not there.


I guess I was just curious why he would wait for me to sleep.


I wondered about that, until I noticed a slip of paper on top of his nightstand, it was a thorn page of a notebook.


Mirth motel


Room 203


Encounter at 11:45 pm


A guy in his fifties, has a wedding ring, fat and balding


Drives a red suv.




…


What is this?


\-----


The next, the slip of paper was gone, he threw it on the trash outside our dorm.


I don't know why I started to notice him so vehemently, but I could not take my eyes away, there was something about the plastic in his expression, how his smile look strained and he always seemed so tired.


He didn't sneak out every night, but on the nights that it happened, he would always leave a different not


Parks motel


Room 106


Encouner 1 am


Skinny lanky dude, has a golden tooth and wears glasses


Drives a black pick up


Or


Tommy mier (might be a false name)


Willow street apartment complex


Apartment 202


Blond surfer dude, tan skin has a rena tattoo on the left arm (might be a catfish)


And many others with different locations and dudes, I wasn't sure what I was seeing, but the only answer that came to mind is "he is selling his body" and "not only he is selling his body, but he is also leaving a description in case something goes horribly wrong".


That would explain why he tries to sneak after I sleep, why he always seemed so tired and… hickeys, he said they were bug bites, but now I know they were hickeys.


What should I do?


I have no idea if I should do something, he must have his reason to sell his body, but when he leaves those notes, isn't that acceptance that he might… not come back?


Should I try to dissuade him? I don't even know the guy, sure we share a room, but it is his life to do whatever he wants with.


But can't I do anything? I will just watch and if something goes awry… what could I even do? Besides reporting the note to the police.


I hate myself for doing nothing.


\-----


Carter doesn’t look like someone who would do this kind of thing


not that I ever saw someone who has done it, but it is just so against everything that guy seems to represent. he is 6,3 foot guy in one of the a sports program, he is the life of the party, sometimes I think that guy might be sunshine incarnated, the amount of enery he seems to exude, it is not something I I could even bear, I felt tired just seeing him unning with his team at 6 am.


carter has dark skin, so it was hard to see at first, but I started noticing the amount of bruises around his wrist and every exposed surface below the neck, but on the neck, those red marks… how does he explain them to his friends?


he seem tired, day in and day out, it seems that the days where he works seem to be more and more frequent, taking over his life






and he will start showing with bruises, and and increasing signs of violence done to him, the climax would be when the roommate hears something in the corridor, and he sees it is carter stumbling unsteadily over the corridor, where he even falls, the thing is, he is not wearing any pants, only his jacket that he uses to cover himself


there is no smell of alcohol on him, but that strong smell of cigarette lingers on him, it cliongs to his body, it seems to be pervading their room for days on end, it was like oil, covering carters body, he was unsteady, I helped him up an took him to our room, he was clearly not well, his pupil were crazy wide, and he shivered uncontrolably even though it was a hot night, he was taller than me, so it was harder to support him, but I helped him to his bed


he had a trail of blood coming from his lips, as if they were violently chewed on, he was so pale, his dark circles seemed like made by marker, when he climbed on his bed, he just wrapped himself in blankets, covering his whole body tightly, like a child trying to protect from the monster in the closet or below their beds.


I heard the faint crying, pained sobs, hoarse, his throat seemed to be hurting, it lasted deep into the nigh, until exhaustion took him over. I couldn’t sleep that night




I wonder what are my plans with this story, you know, like, what am I trying to accomplish, I am quite sure that this amount here is not enough, the amount of will, like, the excitment of having a new idea was quite doused by the passage of time.


carter doesn’t seems to be a character, quite like stones to abigail, it seems I am fetishising his abuse, and his suffering, like, he has no real personality besides being a victim, because I am not going to give the reason he does what he does, prostitution is something that happens, it is not something that needs that much of reason why would someone sell their bodies, like, for real, it could be to pay his huge debt as an university student, it could be to have a little more of a pocket money.


because, I already have this image on my mind how it will end the story, Carter is going to start leaving the same note with increasing more details, because he will be monopolized by this oily and disgusting rich man, things like the watch he uses, the model of the phone and the type of car he has, the description of his face and what he usually wears