2nd Day of April

 well, today we begin the day of writing,, what will I be writing, I have no idea, maybe something with superheroes, I was watching Invincible yesterday, and damn if I don’t have that might need to talk about superheroes, I kind of hate/love that father, because, he seems to genuinely care for his son and love his wife, he is not a bigot like that blonde from the boys, and I just, love this concept, like, super man planet was one of tyrants, makes sense that a native that didn’t have their world destroyed, that grew with the culture, would soak up the elements of it, and like the in those opening of episode 2, that guard and the relationship with his step son, like, why am I so invested with them, like, god, I wish I had a full series just on that guards family life, like, dear lord, dear god, I am kinda of wanting to cry right now, I wonder if it is because of the music, or like, this relationship of a good parent being able to help a troubled kid turn a new leaf, even if he looks a little aloof at times, you know that he care, I wish my dad was more like this.

But well, if I think about super hero, the thing that comes to my mind is this golden idea that I had to a project, that is this league of super villains that for reasons, are turned back into their teenage selfs, and now they have this legacy at their backs, the monstrosities that they accomplished,but, it feel like an old idea always feel, I thought about it so much without doing anything about it, that I just lost interest over all, I have to stop this habit of pursuing the most shining thing and forgot my old ideas, like, this is a lot counter productive, I have no idea what I will be writing today.

Will it be horror, will it be romance, them both, none at all, I have no idea, I am thinking about a bigger story than those last two, but I have no idea what do I want written, today I am going to write with the character Rachel for the story that should have been in that day there, but I don’t know what to do with her


Rachel, what are the characteristics that I like in my characters?


Rachel is going to be a satanic witch, the kind that can cause plagues, consorts with devils, makes pastes with babies and is evil all around, Rachel has lived for more than a thousand years, before the rise of Christianity, the devils that she consorted with where spirit of nature, she was a priestess of the forest, but belief is such a powerful force, her gods became corrupted with the rise of christianity, they changed to the foul image that they were given, demons from what once were mighty gods, the forces in her heart became just as foul, corrupting her, it was gradual, it was so painfully slowly, she could barely feel it corrupting her essence and core


yeah, that would make for a great character, The evil Witch Rachel

but I feel I am not quite equipped to deal with her right now.


I am trying to think about some nice gimmicks to give to my characters, Minori-san gimmick… he didn’t have one, he was a well rounded character and felt like a person, like, the way he has this big brother persona and is very caring to his family and students, but also, he is so very afraid that his sexuality would be know by his country side community

also, he is really hot, but that is besides the point


or is it? like, I really am going to make all my characters hot, like, even if I don’t go in detail about the color of their eyes, none of them will have blue eyes, like, I feel like blue eyes is the default, like, no, it is so boring, stop it, I don’t wanna that for them, what I want that they have brown eyes, but it changes depending on their patron


Like,


the flesh completely congeals at the cornea, like, closing the thing inn


I don’t know what I want to write, and I think that this is one of the problems, you know, how I keep writing that I don’t know know what to do without doing anything about it, like, goddamit


give me the love, I want to love myself, I want to love my writing, my interest, I decided even that I will never masturbate, like ever, I will not do it anymore, I am going to use all that energy to accomplish something of myself, but like, I really want to improve, so I will try to liberate any kind of sexual energy through my writing, or something like that, I think it is doable, like, just think about it


it takes in between a half hour to one and a half to milk this cock, so, it isn’t better to use this time to a better


I thinking about old ideas, but I wonder if I can’t even use one of them, they feel so old and non interesting

but one idea that I remember, that it came to me because of the jenny video made by the living tombstones, it is a body switching story where one of the characters doesn’t want to get their body back

them, it would have a little of gender dysphoria, in the sense that, well, just think about it, hating your body, thinking it to be a mistake you were born in this horrible cage, and then, suddenly, you wake up and the mistake was corrected, you are in the perfect body, the one you always dreamt of having


something like that, would be also very on the fashion side of things,


but that was more of an idea if I ever decided to make a webcomic I believe, I don’t think I had any interest in writing that with words, because I really want to make something more fast paced and blood boiling.


I decided I am going to keep writing until I reach my goal, if the inspiration strikes, I will be writing the story earlier, if not, I will be writing later, I guess the only thing I can do is keep writing until I can no more, but I want love, love love love love, I am going to write something romantic, I have no idea of what that will be. but, oh bother, I want to be the very best at this romance writing stuff

I want something that feels like re:trailer trash

let me tell you, I know it was going to come sooner or later, and knowing myself to be the slack that I am, I was sure that it was going to be sooner, like, at this moment, here we are, I am constantly trying to dodge write anything, I was looking for something more entertaining to do, looking for shows, series, books, anything that it is not writing, and for that, I can only say, sorry, because truly, I have so much that I should be doing right now, like rising myself above my peers through the power of literacy, or some twisted fantasy that it is at my core, driving me to strive for greatness when I truly, just want to be happy, and I believe, that, for me to be happy, I really need that oomph, that it is a talent that I can become amazing at, as long as I do my best, I want it, I want it and I am going to do it.

Okay, so, for starters, what do I want in this here, I am not going to be writing, nor romance, nor horror, so, pick a genre, any genre, I will try my best to accommodate those needs into something readable, at least.

I have no idea, I could be a little more light hearted, do something more appealing,


Like, everything that I do always feel so bleak, and out of touch, like, my depressed ass keeps writing tragedy, and like, it does ends up getting in the way of writing those romance that I so dearly want to write about.


lets try to expel all that angst, right here, right now.


The coursing river is filled with ashes, it glints red in the moonlight, my family burning, the night echoes their screams


I feel extremely tired, but I really need to get up to speed, and that is not going to happen as long as I keep sleeping that way that I do, by that metric, which means I am not sleeping at all, I truly don’t even know, I am just going to let my body enter in auto pilot, any thoughts that comes to mind, will be swiftly dealt with, so, I have no idea, what I am doing, but let me tell you, it is a little relaxing don’t have to worry that much, in this constant stream, my thought flow a little at time, I really want to have the determination to write something half as good as beware of chicken, and the strange thing is, that I believe I can write something even more popular than beware of chicken, and I don’t know why, where does this confidence comes from, I sure have no Idea, I kinda of decided on my own that I am talented, without putting in the effort to make something good myself, so, there is no doubt in my mind that I am currently, very misguided, in all my efforts, my life, my thoughts, I am so very nervous, I am so very scared, I kinda of want to not have to worry about none of my problems, like, that maybe they should all disappear.


But I find it so funny, how I found a bigger problem that keeps me up at night more than having screwed up my future, like, it was horrible those feelings in my gut of being a failure, but now, after discovering this horrible and disgusting side of myself, I don’t even worry anymore about my other problems, I am putting all my efforts into becoming a better person, a better version of myself, and something like that is where all my worry projected into it, so, I guess I can truly focus on school without having to worry too much about other things.


So, a blessing in disguise?

Yesterday, I really thought about the possibility of self harm, those horrible feelings welling in my chest, I didn’t know how to let them go, let them free, I don’t want this kinda of worry weighing me down. but it hurt so bad that I slapped my face so hard, and still it wasn’t enough, so, after considering, and considering some more, I decided to use a needle through the skin between my fingers as a way to hurt myself, and I kind of started fantasizing about this quirky life where I do self harm as means of working harder, like, some Pavlov bullshit, but, I couldn’t do it, like, when I pushed harder, the pain started battling with that ugly feeling, and I was able to calm down, a needle is way harder to do self harm than a razor, so, after calming myself down, I decided to give purchase to all that nervous energy by watching something new, the Invincible show on amazon prime, it was quite entertaining, the shocking revelation at the end of the final episode was what got me really hooked, why would he do that? I had no idea

also, the feeling was not completely gone, so, whenever I felt a spike of disgust and dread, I just, punctured my hand, as strong as I dare, it never went too deep, but since I needed that spike of pain to distract myself, I was just punching it through skin over and over, until the back of my hand was filled with holes.

I kinda of am giving up of this character trait for myself, because I don’t want someone to see the scars on my hand and think I am a heroin addict, also, because the point of contention was that in my fantasy, this character that had this quirk, was an workaholic with severe anxiety issues, and probably depression, when other discovered he was doing that to himself, every one start worrying so much, and trying to understand what to do, it was going to be very angst, and this character would go through a whole arc of learning how to love himself and how not to take his life so seriously, to stop and smell the roses kind of thing.

It is a little hard you know, I want to major in psychology, so, I keep trying to understand my own emotions through a clinical point of view, like, trying to be ice cold and dissect my own emotions until I can control them and make it stop whatever I don’t like, but the thing is, I am a complete idiot, who has no idea of what I am doing, and keep scrambling everything up with a hyper focus on a intrusive thought, and I over analyze the intrusive thought, and I start coming up with theories about myself, and they keep sending me into bouts of anxiety, and I keep panicking and trying to understand how to stop this shit show in my chest, so I go back to analyzing the intrusive thought and the cycle begins anew.




Well, I have come to fill this quota of mine, I kind o just want to the things that need to be done, I really want the powers that be to work, I think something nice about invincible is because their powers come from all over the world, that is so interesting, like, there is no one form of power.


I really wished we could see a little more of the knock off justice league they were nice

I feel so exhausted right now, I don’t even know what would be the right incentive to keep me writing, like, here, if you finish you 5 thousand words you can have your “don’t feel like a total piece of shit for this night”Like, I am truly proud of myself for keeping writing here, because free writing is a form of therapy, a way to declutter and unwind those feelings of mine in a healthy way, I kinda of feel like my feelings are a little boring, maybe that is why I stopped trying to feel them at all, I kind of don’t want to become a serial, killer, because I know I can so easily sway to the evil side and just plunge into… I don’t know, completely not caring? I don’t understand truly those urges, to kill someone you know? they probably thought that they had no way to unwind and the only way they could ever feel free is through bloodshed, I remember that no monster is born, the first person jeffrey dahmner killed wrecked him, but he twisted his filled, he killed them, or got off from the shame and guilt, I don’t want to become like him, I don’t want to become a criminal, to waste my life way for this perverted life and bloodshed.

I want to become like that guy from linkin in park, that one who had a childhood trauma (I never had a childhood trauma, I think, so, if you broke into my stuff, don’t jump to conclusions, or jump, who knows) I hate this problem of mine of overthinking, I am always plunging head first into spiral of shame

he said he wanted to kill someone, but instead, he channeled his energy into art, I am not even close to reaching my goal,


I still have to write the story for today, and I am not quite sure what it is going to be, like, no idea, in the slightest, give me a hint brim, what are you up to?

lets write erotica,  nah, just felt in my chest, I don’t want to write erotica right now, I am too tired to be horny, I think I am constantly tired though, so, like, it doesn’t matter that much my state of mind, if I found writing fun, like I dream of learning to do, I would be the happiest man alive, being able to enjoy writing, it would send me into a stupor of writing, like, I like it doing so much, so it would be the only thing that I would be doing whenever given the chance, so lets think about a little story.


Carol, Beatrice, Constanza, Cartridge


I am so very exhausted


I am going into auto pilot right now, I care not for the words spilling from my brain, in fact, I believe that I will be doing the thing, that, I dunno, needs to be done, I am looking for that high, you know, of a job well done, I am looking for the way to have fun with life once more, I am looking to solve this shitty conundrum


I Have Only One Skill

I was transported into another world, a world of fantasy with dragons and levels, yes,this is a isekai, the only place for me, was obviously right beside the king, I was the chosen one after all, they needed me, I needed them, I would save them from the demon king, and in exchange I would have all of my dreams fulfilled, so in fact that I would never regret coming here in the first place, not that it would take too much to be glad for being here, it is my wish made true, whatever I could do to escape from that… place.

But the thing is, I can only have one skill, that is the way of this world, people have one skill and one skill only, it teaches them how to tamper with the laws of the universe, in ways no one could ever expect from where I came from, to jumping yards upon yards, to even flight and spewing fire, like the dragons the king seemed to fear,


As the chosen one, it seems my whole schtick is that I have infinte potential for growth. but, what am I even going to choose from, is what I always keep coming back at the end of the day.


But I think I know what skill I want, If I can only have one, make it be Omnipotence

How could it ever go wrong?

I just have to make a coherent story, it doesn’t mean it has to be a good one, for sure, this garbage is so bad, but it made me remember my enem exam, when I was so exhausted, and really, really, didn’t want to do the thing, the text thingie at the end, you know, where you put the arguments and shit of the genre, so, I really did not have the fucking energy, and I was probably crying in my heart at that point, of how tired I was, I really, did not want to write it

But I would not leave without doing the fucking dissertation, so, through tired brain, I started wroting, and like having my brain into auto pilot, the thing started flowing, like, what it produced could be only called garbage, but I was so happy with the results, like, goddamn, 610 for a text I made half uncoscious, Half insane, I am going to forever hate myself for that richard rasmufen shit that I pulled


I am really not though, I kinda of already stopped caring about it now, but damn, if it isn’t funny in retrospect


so, I guess, I should give myself a little more freedom you know, to flush all the garbage from my system, first I have to give myself freedom to write it to page, all the garbage stories that I hate, I just have to make them, right here is the place that I am able freely express myself, I really have to open myself more,


I can make mistakes, I can fail, I can make the utmost garbage, and that is so good, so great, so, I have no idea what to do do, besides keep writing, garbage or not, as long as I am not stopping, than it is one of the greatest things ever written in my point of view, as long as I have this notion, that, keeping myself i movement is always better than completely stopping, I don’t want to stop never more, I want to focus on becoming a writer, and for that I decided to make all this, I really want to make things right, so, cactus, cactus is the way you dumb bitch


the fuck are you talking about you can’t deal with a plant you need to water everyday? don’t be so fucking stupid, buy a fucking cactus


what do you mean cactus are ugly, then don’t fucking buy a plant you stupid bitch.


I think I am going to start reading that Invincible comic, seems like a thrilling experience, I really need something to fill my void, and I am giving a time out from golden kamuy, I read it for three days consecutive, them I just… stopped? like, I want to keep reading, but I kind of can see the story expanding, so very grand, like, when it was just the mystery of nopera bou was or not asirpa’s father was one thing, you had a clear goal, you wanted a clear answer, and maybe, you would collect some skins along the way in the case he would not say it. but, now, the two powers fighting in this battle are more louder than ever, we knew the political undertones where there, it has such an interesting philosophy of what conflict does to a man, with soldiers trying to find a brand new meaning for their existence to samurais who couldn’t get themselves out of the battlefield, looking for the next blood shed


what I just said is not an apt depiction though, I did not entered in details about the morals and ethics of each party, like, both sides have horrible people, manipulators, monsters, the scum of the earth, and at the same time, they have the most fun, lovable, or badass character, those grandpa samurais where the fucking best, god bless their souls, god bless the author of golden kamuy.


okay, I have to be quick, I have, maybe one hour and a little more? but, oh well, I still have to keep writing

it is so weird how I get lost into purposeful writing, like, when I write with a clear purpose in mind.


But who cares about it, I am not even going to finish that thought, lets jump to a theory that I have for golden kamuy.


they all will die, witht the exception of asirpa, shiraishi and any character that hasn’t killed anyone, because, I believe that the anui belief about the evil gods are applied to the characters as well, if a kamuy kills a human, he becomes an evil kamuy, Sugimoto, the immortal, is an evil god, the tamagi, evil.


Edogai was a little screwed in the head, but I am not sure if he really killed someone or not, like, I am pretty sure he was just a grave robber, who made fashion out of dead people skin, but damn, I kinda of wanted to see more of him, but because he would end up giving too much power to the tsurumi side, with mass producing skins and all, it would completely skewer the game.

and now there were 4


A poem about apples, apples are sweet, apples are red, their juice splashing with each bite, I wonder how the apple feels, do you think they know they exist only to be consumed? their existence, they are only allowed to exist thanks to the good heart of us humans, that love the taste of apples, for, if the apple tasted horrible, and had no use, like the eucalipt tree, but without the use of making it into paper, I think that the best thing to do, would be to kill all apple trees,

they would have no use without their delicious apples, and not having a use, a meaning, a reason d’etré, why even let it be, it is so unfair the apple tree could live unburdened with its uselesness, I hate apple trees for that, I would burn them all if they made no apples, I think I would make my mission to kill all apple trees, they deserve not to live, so I will make my mission to bring balance to the world at last

Death to all apple trees!!!

As long they stop giving apples

can I type with only one hand? I guess I can, more or less.

but I don’t want to type with only one hand, I don’t even want to type anymore, I just want to go to sleep, wake up refreshed, I want it so bad, but stupid, garbage brain, overthinker, why have such a useless brain, it thinks too much but it never is on the things of matter, like, garbage brain, churn out ideas, not garbage, I am tired of garbage, I want to become the greatest write, the healthiest man, the loveliest husband and the best of dads, but I am not gonna be able to be nothing of these things if I fucking continue to be so garbage like this, like, can I be less garbage, I do not wish to be garbage anymore, I want to be diamond, unbreakeble

IS THAT A MOTHER FUCKING JOJO BIZARRE ADVENTURE DIAMOND IS UNBREAKEBLE REFERENCE????????? OHHHH MMYYYY GOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKAY, BUT REALLY, WHAT ARE MY GOALS, MY DREAM, i WANT TO BREAK MYSELF, INTO TINY LITTLE PIECES, UNTIL i AM ONLY JUST A SPECK OF DUST, UNTIL i AM NOTHING MORE THAN ATOMS OF A PERSONALITY, REFORGED THROUGH THE PRACTICE OF HARD WORK, THE VIRTUE OF LEARNING, i WILL BE THE MAKER OF ART, i WILL FUCKING THRIVE


I am not writing from the seat of my pants, no, for that I would need a real story to be flowing from my fingers, do you want to try?

I was reborn as a spider, and somebody stepped on me, it was very sad, god took so much pity on me that he decided to make me go again, but this time as a snail.

Catterpillar can make silk, can’t they, how does it work? turning into a butterfly? I kind\ o wished instinct was something I was more clear into me

these urges, they are not fucking instinct, they are learned, my instincts were all healthy, now gods be damned, I will wipe myself clean, I shat the bed, I am the only one who can clean it, I am the best when it comes to the issues of the mind, I am so smart when I talk about feelings, principally mine, these feelings, ha, I scoff at them, I can bend any of them to my will at any moment, I am the master of empathy


I wonder how those bitches be doing, man the silent noise was such a good book, I really wish it was written by a man


is this too sexist? but like, I feel like the feeling of something gay made by a gay men is so much more raw, true, over all better to the ones made by perverted forty five old women, like, c’mon, I really wished it wasn’t to that extent.


This was one of the reasons I decided to become a writer, I wanted to make quality content so good, people would get over their biases and read my story despite the gay protagonists, how dumb is that, no, I know better now, I am going to write gay protagonists, they will go in adventures, they will have romance, and I know it is not going to be a success, it will be so not important, I am probably not going to get very famous out of the internet, but sure as hell I am going to become the hussie of fucking gay characters, they will be the gayest, the baddest of them all, it will have so much blood, and mystery, and drama, and romance, and a lot of magic, so many magic going around, I know for a reason that it will bomb out with all the poor gay closeted nerd, they just needed me to be their saviors, the seventeen year old who hasn’t even learned to deal with my own internalized homophobia am going to be the messiah the lgbtq+ community has been clamoring for


exactly, I really am, I am the savior the gays have waited for so long, now, finally I am going to answer their prayers, rest in peace little gays, mama pedro will take care of everything, I am going to end homophobia, I am going to end racism, I am going to end sexism and all the evil problems of the world, and I will built this wonderful world from the ashes of the corrupt world, I will kill as many orphans it will take to make my dreams come true


I am so fucking tired, I am monologuing like, am I a villain, the great gay writer, that sure does roll out of the tongue, doesn’t it?

okay, lets write a little, and then I am going to go dance


the reflection of the lake on my eyes shone truly, I saw only darkness, the warnings on my dreams the horrible screeches of pain echoed in my ears, I could hear them so clearly, telling me that there is something in the lake, something horrible, truly despicable, older than time, and by that, he learned the thing that gives him the most pleasure, he learned about good and evil, and chose evil as his natures was always aligned to be for sure, he is corruption made in flesh, a bulbous mound of postulant cancer growths, all bubling and bursting, just below the lake, maybe that is what makes the water so murky, I know his blood courses through the water, it rains from above, his poison spreads, but it does not corrupt, he is so weak, too weak, so weak he had to learn to hide himself, he has growing weaker for a million of years, and now, he is so desperate that he needs the help of what he would consider… not ants, evem smaller, like bacteria he decided to consume, he is just a wounded beast waiting to die, fighting at all costs to be let go


but the thing is, he chose my town to reside, and I can’t let that go, no, I cannot now, can I?

okay, I am in the finishing lap, I am just moment from collapsing, but you know what? I am not going to sleep, since I have so much maniac energy, when  I done with this here, I am going to dance, I am going to dance so fucking hard, I am going to throw all those evil thoughts away with the power of sweat, now that is what I am talking about

I wonder if I should write until I reach 6 thousand, like, I doubt I can, write anymore than I already did for today, but like, when I looked, I was in the 5200 words, it kinda of makes me want to write a little more, just a little to see what I am going to do with a 6000 words under my belt, at the end of the day, this here is like brain musculation, I am going to have abs in my brain when this all end.

I wonder if I am a bad person for having thoughts that my grandma should die,


like, I am not a psycopath, I don’t want to go out killing people, nor anything of the like, but the woman, she is in so much suffering, she brought so much suffering in this world, now she is so depressed and anxious with her death, I just wish it would come sooner than later, because, I don’t know, maybe it is the remind of death that old people are

but I kind of feel so bad for my mom, she has this toxic and abusive relationship with my grandma, that after years of abuse and neglect, it feels like she is taking a little on the old lady who can barely lift herself from the bed to go to the bathroom, and need geriatric diapers, it just makes me so, depressed, her existence, the feelings of my mom, my own feelings, I wish they would go all away, or at least they would get a little less loud, like, they jumble themselves to horribly that it feels like it is only a horrible scream that never ceases, and it keeps screaming from the top of their lungs, and I cannot understand a word that they are saying, what they are trying to message me, what are their point, what should I do to make them go away, but I still cannot understand, I can only hear, the screaming, the scream so bad and horrible I can barely hear my own voice, I discovered along this days, that truly, 7 words doesn’t feel like too much, like, I know this all here are just like, words of support, free writing, de cluttering, this here does not count as a writing piece, only writing practice, and I think I am going to be writing this way as long as I can write a full 5k piece  in a single day


when I finnally got to do that, then I wonder who will be laughing, right, Nicolas?


I know you are, you feel you are better than me, don’t you, I bet you all feel as if you are superior than me, better, with a brighter future, with a future so bright, you look at what I made of myself and see only a dirty path o mud and dirty left to me, but I assure you, I am not going to stay on this fucking path, I will climb the stars, while your neon lights take you to a earlier grave thanks to stress and other shitty desk job related diseases, I am going to live among the planets, I will create realms out of the machinations of my mind, right now I feel so drunk with powers, like, look at me, I am so cool, I am writer, look at him, writing, I doubt anyone is looking at me with anything besides a look of pity, maybe, I kinda of wish I didn’t had this inferiority complex, that makes me hate the people I most love after my family, I kinda I wish I was better than this that I currently am, I am pretty sure each and every one of them are going to have incredible lifes, and I will strive to make my life just as incredible, I will clamor for the results to go the way I want to go through hard work, something I never was willing to put in the beginning, now, I will be doing that, I will be doing that and so much more, I will work harder and harder, more than anything to surpass anything they ever made, I am going to be the very best, that no one ever was.

I really am close to the end, huh? I wonder if I am going to gradually start writing more than my initial objective, like, I am pretty sure I am not able to maintain this pace, like, my arms feel as tired as all hell, tomorrow I am going to write a real story, none of them felt real, none of them counted, but tomorrow, tomorrow is the day I am going to finally work into a masterpiece, I am going to beat god in a knuckle fight, punch him right into Saturn and have onision lick my balls, that piece of shit, I am going to start talking about youtubers in the next segment of this challenge from what it seems, well, no problem, I am going to stop now


or am I, I wonder what I am doing, like? I am writing until I completely lose steam? why am I not going to bed right now? I wonder about it, I have so much in my mind, and I am just going to overthink it and everything, so, I can’t I just keep writing until I can’t anymore, and them finally going to sleep

I can talk about so much stuff, like, I don’t know, quickly wear the face of the devil

it is a quick transmigration plot with a revenge against the system sprinkled on top, like

man, I really have so much nostalgia for that piece of garbage, stinking dododo, so bad, it is stinking up the place, it kinda of makes me want to throw up


But quick transmigration feels so cheap, and easy, like the character knows the plot, he has to fix it, and then he hops among genres until the story end and he lives forever with the love of his life, or something like that, I really think that I am going to stop right here

but tomorrow stories theme is going to be quick transmigration.