3rd Day of April

 Well, I have to start writing at some point today, if not, I think I will regret it for the rest of my life, so much so in fact, I think I wouldn’t be able to live it down. for if I fail to improve myself, I will not achieve my dreams, and I think if I am not going to achieve my dreams, I think I would just kill myself, for I rather be dead than to live a boring, tired, wasteful life, I know it is not healthy to obsess over this, but I really, really, really want to be a writer, and for that, I need to write, for, if I don’t write, I will kill myself.

Like, dear god as my witness, I am going to thrown myself over the tallest building I can break into, I am not kidding, that is going to happen, and I care for nothing other becoming the best writer.


You know, something that I am feeling, is that with the passing days, I am becoming more and more deranged, and I like it, I feel a little less stifled, a little less ashamed of writing anything, I think I am even writing more, and I like this feeling of freedom, I could write about anything, I am still repressing myself, but to the end of this month, my shackles will be fully gone, and my writing will be so crisp you could eat it like a potato chip, I don’t know why that analogy, it just came to mind

I think today I am in a good mood for some reason, maybe it is because I took a shower early, maybe because I didn’t overthought this night, I decided to become a celibate over masturbating, I guess this is all the energy that I used to waste, all dedicated to writing, I think I am going to keep doing this.


But really, I wonder why I feel so happy, not happy, but, today I sure am feeling positive, today I decided to write something good, am I saying that the prior works where not good? that is exactly what I am saying, the others were nothing but garbage, practice garbage, for the next story, It is going to be a quick transmigration story, we have the traveler, that travels between worlds, changing the story, we have the original characters, the people from the world the travelling is messing with, and them we have the anomaly, anomaly is generally the love interest, they are this entity that somehow is able to appear in all the worlds the traveler goes through. and that is what I will try to write about? a arc in a quick transmigration novel is generally between 10 chapters or higher, so, you know adaptions are in the making,


But I am thinking about just writing in free abandon, until I reach my quota, so, after the 5k words are complete, I am going to start writing the coherent story. but now I think I am just going to, I don’t know, go in full auto pilot, let this become a form of meditation, I don’t care what the words are, as long as they are flowing, it is exercising that muscles in my brain, and in the end, that is all that matters, isn’t it, I guess it is, but if I am going to write in free abandon like this, I really want it to be creative thing you know, like that image you had earlier thinking about the body swapping story, where the character looks for feminine clothes to wear,she is so elated with this new body that she wants to use make up and be girly and do the girly thing she never had the opportunity before for being trapped in a man’s body, I need to make her a little more respectful, the way she tries make up for the first time, and ends up making a mess of her face, then she wipes it all out and looks for a youtube tutorial.

I want my musings and flowing words to be just more magical you know, I have ideas, they should be put to paper, so my brain knows I appreciate him for the ideas, and I am so happy in fact with them that I am putting them to paper, or document, so he will know to make it more to please me, because I love ideas, that it is what he is going to be producing all day, like, a lodge in a deserted mountains, it had a heavy snow fall, a guy lives in that lodge, alone, with no one in earshot in kilometers, or miles for the dumb Americans, stupid Americans with their stupid metric system, well, what I was getting at, it was this horror story that I saw on youtube, it was putting so much on edge, since he was hearing that scratching noise all over his lodge, than he discovered that it was coming from the roof, and like, man, I was so scared, like, what is making this noise? but then the writer went and showed what was doing the noise, it was this ugly weird alien thing with big head and long arms, but as soon as he started describing, I could feel the horror fading away, like, that is the face of the bitch? how stupid are you? you don’t show the face of the monster, it takes all the scary factor away, make it so that he tries to ignore the sound after realizing it comes for the roof, because he is scared or some shit, than makes him not being able to sleep, and while he is trying to sleep, he looks at the window and see this shadow figure, you can allude that it is languid, with long arms, but don’t explain too much, he more characteristics you know from your monster, the less effective it becomes, every horror writer knows this, well kind of, it is one way to make horror, but I think that would be the way to go, it was so well built the tension, with him looking for the noise, but then he went and blew it, like, gosh darn it. I hate it


I can do it, I am gonna write 2k words before the five pm, I believe in myself, I believe I have enough vitriol to pull it through, I have a lot of words, lets think creatively, I was dancing a little to procrastinate having to write, and by that I mean is that I have lost 25 full minutes of my hour, and now, I am going to speed rush this here, like, I also watched a fleabag edit, it was so good, so great, I am going to do something very good, I don’t know what yet, but I believe if I keep it pulling, this here is going to weld something gorgeous, some pretty pretty text, I don’t even know yet what it is, or what it will end up being, I just know that it is going to be gorgeous, I know it, I feel it in my bones, I really like fleabag, the protagonist is so good at her job, like, goddamn.


Okay, so, lets try something, I was watching the AMV for demon slayer, and, it just sparked a feeling on my chest, I want to mold this feeling, I want to make something of a story that sparks that same spark, it was like, the wondrous manly adventure you know, I want to write something unapologetic blood boiling, like, I am pretty sure that a lot of things from golden kamuy appear in my mind when I try to concentrate in that feeling, it is just so damn badass, I want to write something just as badass, but I am not so sure what would it be, like, for blood boiling purposes, there will be a nice cast of young, hot blooded man, who are also hot, because pecs, pecs are a thing of angels, like, goddamn, that madman was telling a heavenly truth when he talked about getting them bara tiddies,


I think I am able to pull it, so, lets think about games that I like, I love games, I think they are a very fun way to interact with a story, or just plainly play with my instincts of hitting things, I think one of my favorites games of all time has to be the last of us, I am pretty sure I would let joel rail me, he is so damn hot, goddamn, he is a monster and a little psychopath, he had that death coming, but even then, I know not, nothing how to feel about the way he died, he damned human race, so, I believe that he had it coming, but I also can understand not wanting to kill you surrogate daughter.

My mom looks like Lydia from Beetlejuice when she was younger, my mom, she looks nothing like Wynona Rider

I am a little worn out by all this writing,I feel so tired, so desperate to do the things that I set out to do, but it is not enough, I feel like I am not doing enough to achieve my goals, I know I am not doing nearly enough, from what I seeing, I can only leave to luck and be damned with the consequences

I am going to make my quick transmigration story with a theme of old Greece, I care not for the entails of the genre, I hate entertainment circle kind of stories, my favorite are high school ones, like, so good, so pure, just that it is not, like, what is up with transmigrated into the protagonist heartthrob, like, goddamn it, I hate how they keep feminizing one of the characters, like, can Xie Sui apreaciate the manliness of Song Yu? like, truly he is a badass with a poisonous tong and a playful nature, why the fuck is he thinking how lovely and fucking kitten like he is? the guy is a full grown ass man, stop comparing him to cats, I beg you, try not infantilize gay man challenge. you know why, because it is a straight woman writing this couple, in in the mind of those trash fujoshi, you can’t have a gay couple without making one of them the woman in the relationship, like, fucker, fucker, you want to make two guys romance, make two guys romance, really, the fuck are you doing, lovely my ass, pure, like a kitten, it makes my fucking skin crawl, I hate you all you trash, waste of human matter, I believe you trash are stealing my oxigen I sure as hell am going to scream, fucking bitches.

I would make it so different, like, since song yu is in the height of his health, and he is so manly and active, make him stronger, give him muscles, I am not asking for 8 packs, but let him have a toned and defined body, like a little tan of the sun, like, why the fuck are every bottom in this shit  white like a piece of jade, like, the fuck bitch, he is a man, not a doll, stop objectifying in this strange ways, like, the fuck, he is a porcelain doll, he is kitten, mewoning and threatening uselessly with his claws, like, the fuckty fuck? he is a guy, a whole ass college man, and I know that there is feminine gay guys, and I love them, but the thing is that they know they are feminine, they have this type of personality and they thrive on it, but the thing is that Song Yu seems himself as a manly man, he is fucking strong, like he can punch a room full of gangsters, he has a poisonous tongue, and none of his mannerism seems to be effeminate, so, we have this fucking dissonance of the narrative trying to push this image completely contradictory to the true identity of the character, it just becomes a bland mess, like, the only reason that I am still reading is because song yu is so damn entertaining, like, he is this evil gremlin, who always get his way by way of manipulation, violence or power, since he is rich, and he is so fun, his way of viewing the world, I just wish Xie Su was half as entertaining, like, have a real personality rather than just the gimmick of Tyrant CEO on the making, like, go to hell, go to the fucking hell and never come back, I really want to keep reading that story now, but like, I just wanted that the top, since you got to have a hetero normative roles, would stop having this patronizing view of their partners, like, they seem them as fucking animals and objects, but can’t they see them for whom they are, like a person? just for once? like, go to the hell, I am tired of boring love interest that having nothing better to offer besides being possessive and domineering, like, you would think that living three times over, he would have a tinge of personality, just a smudge, like, you know a normal human being

and also, it is a little creepy that this seventy year old mind is taking interest in a 15 year boy, like, it is not as problematic since there is a dead person possessing the body of this terminally ill child to transmigration, but still, weird, quite weird in fact (I would read any garbage if it had a gay couple it seems, because after seeing this post, I tried reading the novel again, it does not hold up) but I will just let suspend my disbelief, and that is that on that.

 but now, my opinion of self insert fujoshi, always having this creepy girls ogling the main couple, and have it seem fine, like, no, in real life, if a gay couple was stared or approached by this fucking perverted girl, they would call the police, I would directly call my lawyer, like, fucking pervert, get out of my view, stop self inserting fujoshis, they are not a flattering image, in fact, they are so bad and evil that they can’t even see how fucking stupid they look in the stories, like, bitch, fuck you, hope you trip in wet concrete and fucking drow, I am suing for wasting my time having to read the squeals of pervert girls saying shitty things about the main couple, like, looks so domineering, or just like a kitten, husband, they should be together, like, stop it, you creeppy fucks, I am going to punch you all in the face, but, oh well, I am going to forgive them, not because I want, it isn’t even because I feel sorry for them, even though they are in a dire need of a therapist, but because, I just don’t have anything better to read, there is no good gay content here on the eastern part of the globe, like, bitches, I can only get my dose of gay representation from creepy 45 old woman or the chinese fujoshis, and I am not going to take in another reading of a hot throbbing member, stop calling the cock member, it is, but like, every single time, it is member this, member that, I am going to dismember you all fucking bitches limb by limb if it continue to do that-


I didn’t reach my goal, I was too slow, I wasted too much time, but, 1.5k words is a already a pretty good achievement, I wonder if it is because I am too ying oriented, that is why most of the words seem to soar at night, not that they become more refined or anything, they just pour way easily, I don’t know, things like that, I don’t know, I want life, I want a discourse, I want entertainment, I want to be worth of breathing, and I think at the moment, right now, I am not, any of these things, I am just wasting my time, I feel like I am doing it at least, I am going to research the benefits of free writing.

I have my whole lifetime to build my legacy, I wish to build it from words.


I stopped going to school when I was nine, my grandma had a heart problem, we were so very poor she was all that I ever had, I couldn’t bear to lost her, probably it would help her have peace of mind if I stayed on school, but I needed the money, so, I started selling drugs


I sold drugs in middle school to help my Nana.

Riverdale is such a treasure to the world, Like, I believe that now they are just prodding the barrier of acceptable and what is coherent, it is like stretching both hands in opposing directions, they really want to go deep, to go further, dear lord.

okay, we are back, no idea what to write, but lets do this.


A prince once told me, the weight of the well being of your subjects could never be weighed down in gold, so cheap they are, a thousand of them could never come close to compare to a gram of gold.


well, he died, a horrible death, so horrible, I was quite aghast to the state of his body afterwards, I guess his gold was not willing to help him when the torches and pitchforks where brought to the steps of his house, truly pitful, I wish I cared.

Manic pixie dream girl, but make her a serial killer, ditch life to and follow me to the bowels of hell fucking losers


I keep feeling that drop of motivation around here as well, I wonder what is that about, I can’t get tired, I have words to put to paper

I got out of my chest that awful awful rant. I don’t know what I want to focus right now, I think I want super powers, I have no idea what I would use them , I guess I would be just like Saiki, no world domination for me, but it would be really handy in any situation


I never felt such a worse despair than at this moment, the amount of despise dripping from my fingers, I believe I could poison a river with it, Maybe I will try it, I will take all the vitriol in my blood, and open my stomach with my knife, and let the blood seep into the water, it will kill all the fishes, it is going to for sure


I am going to let it at it, I am going to do it, I am letting myself try this new thing that is called doing the thing, I mind not what the purpose of things are, I stopped questioning them, things happen because they want to happen, there is no other explanation for it, I know that there is this underlying issue, I know not, I know nothing, I will say nothing, please don’t hurt me, I don’t know anything, I am so tired from bleeding, it hurts, it hurts so much I can feel my veins straining to contain my rushing blood, like a waterfall raging inside of me, the blood constricting, seeping through the pores, I can see the crimsom droplets appearing all over my body, my skin a dark color of scarlet red.


I am a writer, I am, I am not going to say that I don’t consider myself one, because I have been writing, it is not nearly as interesting as it should be looking at, but I am trying to see how the smile runs through the street of paying, the huggers are dumb fucks, I am tired of resentment, I want warmth, to let go of the bile sipping through my vitriol filled mouth, I puke the toxicitiy from my mouth, it is just so dark, soi red, I want to read, for filth, I know not, I care not, I want to read, to see, olimpia, I know I care, street, road, bus, corpse, road drive kill, the scarlet blood pooling on the drive way, I try to avoid it, but the corpses litter the front of my garage, so dearly horrible, I kinda of want to try take a bite, I wonder if it is too evil of me to start thinking about that, good for you I want to see where does it go from here, probably not very far


Soon enough I will not even start using real words, it will be like, disjointed letters that means something when they


I feel so disgusted right now, horribly disgusted in fact, it hurts so much, I kinda of feel like I am going to puke,I feel tired, dizzy, my cheeks burning red, I try to understand what is going with my body I am tired of doing this, I hate it, give me a piece of advice, I want to try sleeping for sixteen hours direct, I am pretty sure it would affect me greatly, I really am going to do something about it, as soon as I finish the words that I am lacking here, I am going to write my quick transmigration story, but really, Why do I feel my heart sinking? like, what is up with that feeling, I don’t want to feel this way, I want to stop whatever it is that is happening to me, I am hurting, so bad, why does it hurt so goddamn bad.


I remember when I was younger, I saw this movie where the guy was a cat, and he became human from the wish of his owner, I wish I was capable of remembering the name, it would make me happier, they would be something, I remember of watching that shit repeatedly.

I wonder how would I react nowadays if I read Killing stalking, like, I don’t know about the ending, but I am pretty sure it is not a very good one for the stalker, or the police officer.


Horrible Circumstances

The room was so unbearably dark, nothing like my bedroom, nothing like any room in my house. What is happening, I have no idea, one moment I was leaving the house to help a friend, the last thing I remember is feeling an horrible pain in the back of my head and then everything turned dark.


I try to touch the back of my head, but I feel my hand stopping midway, they were cuffed to the guard of the bed, that woke me right up. I tried to get up, but my feet were chained too, I could hear the rattle of metal on metal as I moved my legs, I became terrified at that.

Before I could try to free myself, suddenly in front of my eyes appeared a block of text in all bold and capitalized.

[Welcome Host, to the Final Girl System - Your First Task is to survive to the end of Rotten Blood : Unearthed Grievances]

the f…

The sound of a heavy iron door opening fills the run, the darkness giving way to an elctric cold light, on the doorway was… Something, it wasn’t a human, no it was nothing like anything I had ever seem before, with arms so long, too long, they dragged on the floor. The horrible smell of raw sewage and rotten meat assaulted my senses.

I wanted to scream

But only a low muffle could be heard through the gag.

“BriDe… i… BroUght yOu… DinNEr”

He dragged behind him an unconscious man, there was a trail of blood coming from his head, but I could see the faint rise of his chest.


Did he say… Dinner?

I feel so fucking exhausted, my mom, she can be so tiring sometimes, lke, I hate when she tells me what I already now, I kind of just want to curl into bed and ignore her until I become moss, I don’t know suddenly I decided to activate my angst teenager bones, I kind of wish I was a little better you, I wish I had more patience for her, I wish I was less tired, I wish I had nothing in the world to worry about, I wish all my problems would vanish in a puff of smoke, I don’t even know how to make it happen, I am thinking about a cloak, and a veil, and a time where Paris was burning, with the spy Intel, I truly wished that life was more virtuous, I wish I was someone a little more better, when I wake up tomorrow, I will be a little better, but just like, a little more than I am today, I am going to be so happy and when I catch on with all the work that I need done, I am going to wreck the reality on the face of the earth, I wonder if I can write while a live is playing on the background, I doubt that I can, I truly do, but I wish I did not, I really want a future so promising, so curtly great, so great in fact that when you look at me, you see the light, I want to be the greatest at being good and not evil, I want to be someone worthy of love, I don’t want to curl up in a corner and die, even though it was the better option to go by far, I am so depressed mother, I really hate you, with all my heart, sometimes I wish you would stop breathing, that I could get one good punch in, I wish I could stop hating you, because I love you and you are my mom, but I just can’t help it, years I had to live with the worst version of yourself, and even then now that you are getting better, I still hate you for the memories, the neglect, they pain, the horrible pain, that made me lose my breath, that second that made me forget how to breath, I hate it, I hate you, and I think maybe I will hate you for the rest of my life


I hope you have a good life, love you,


I wonder what are there for me to vent about, I feel tired, I feel constricted, trapped in my own body, trying to fix the leaks and the myriad of problems I kinda of wish I didn’t have this body, but I don’t think other body would make me happy, no, I think that the best course of action for my soul to achieve true peace of spirit is for it to float high above, and to never dissipate, like, I am immortal, so clearly so I would see the life of mortals, I would snicker at their twisted ways and painful lives

I wonder why I am kind of digging killing x stalking, it is kinda of a fun reading, I kinda of wish I don’t know, there was a bl just like on that level of plot, but without all the murder and pain, like, I really just want a nice and fluffy romance, is that too much to ask for? I think it might be, since I can’t have it.


After here, I think I am going to sleep, I don’t know if I can do it, but I am so goddamn tired, I am going to go unconscious at any minute, I wish the writing wouldn’t end up dragging all the way up to midnight, like, what is up with that, I thought we were getting better, that we were making waves, I sure as hell didn’t expect this at all,


A wind shield is a shield to the wind or a shield to protect against the wind, I don’t know for sure, I believe the shield is protecting the wind from getting in contact with us smelly humans, I am kinda of dehydrated, I have so many wound in my stomach, like, anal fissures, so many wounds, and I know for sure they are not hemorrhoids, I know they aren't, but, oh well, I don’t know if I want to explain, but I have this very nervous habit of cleaning my ass with a bide, like, so much in fact that I must do three days a week, and, well, after three years of doing that shit, I guess my stomach finally couldn’t handle it anymore and decided to open itself so blood would spill in my intestine, it would be great if I didn’t feel this pain in my stomach like, at every moment I make, like, don’t get me wrong, it used to be worse, I could feel 3 spots where the sharp pains came from in my intestine, but now, I only have one stubborn spot who refuse to heal, and some other dull ones that emit pain like, I don’t know, a signal of affection maybe, I have no idea why it is the way that is, it must be the way of god, or something like, that, I don’t know.


I have a tremendous amount of lack of patience, I wish I could say I had it in spades, but, I am pretty sure I don’t even have in my head, I wish I could hold the patience made manifest into my hands, and absorb the proprieties of things like that, I wish I was patient, I wish the effect of pain and anger wouldn’t affect me, I am on the side of the goddess, but, oh well, like, I guess I am only cheering Shiro on because of my love of, I don’t know, I don’t care, I know that something has been amiss for a very long time, but I guess it was just the plot holes, driving the writer mad, or something like that, I wish I was more knowledgeable,


I am at the finishing line, but the only thing waiting for me on the other side, is a fucking concussion , I really am trying, like, my best to become something of myself, so, tomorrow, right after I wake up, I am going to drink some coffee, or not, I will decide tomorrow, and I will surely write to the bottom content of my heart, I will become the big writer, like big pharma, but with writing, because, I am edgy like that