1st Day of April

 Well, I have so many things that I want to write that I barely know where to begin, but remembering that beefy cake that was Minori-san, man, I think I fallen in love with that beautiful, beautiful man, it just so tragic that the story is about a teacher and student, that are also cousins, with one of them being a minor… (I was 17 when I read this manga for the first time, I'm 19 now and Minori-san, the teacher, is just as hot as I remember him to be, fuck).


What are the things so great about Minori?

Need I say more? (I added the image for the sake of making my point on blogpost, that is one heck of sizling hot teacher, had to cut the image, if I am gonna show this to my friends I can't flash them with explicit sexual gay content)

well, obviously that he is a beefcake, so obviously, that seriously does help with appreciating his character


He is caring, he is shy, a little insecure, he dreads what the knowledge of his sexuality would do to his relationship on the countryside, of which, well, I can only say, relatable.


The closet might be dark and oppressive, but no one can hurt from there, except for yourself.


I think that the creme de la crem for his character is the drawing, he is just so hot and kind and I want to hug him, and fuck him, or something like, that, but man, who would've thought that I would have really some good stuff like that saved on my favorites, I think I will keep it there for future sake

I want to write the story of today about love, I don’t even know what it would be about, but I want to make that good ol fashioned love story

I had a plan for today, to read this story that I consider to be a masterpiece, in every sense of the word, it is just so goddamn good, the art, the story, the characters, it is just so perfect, but I can’t bring myself to read at all, because it is just so fucking sad


The end is bittersweet, the romance doesn’t really pan out, since one of them is dead, not like, corpse dead, he is a ghost, and as such, the longer a ghost stays on earth, the more they… unravel.


(I was thinking, the fuck is he talking about? Lonely to Organdy is the name of the manga, not with the hot teacher, that one is Houtou Musuko)

I am thinking, maybe I should spend my writing quota planning the coherent story for the day, since this here is a free writing excercise, then I might as well work on a way of planning a good story, like, I know that the story for yesterday was nothing that I had planned for it to be, It had elements of the little match girl, it was in a tundra world and you know for a fact the protagonist was not going to last very long,

I was thinking about a reincarnation plot after a system apocalypse you know, where the world is covered in snow, the protagonist is filled with regrets, and all, she dies in a frozen house, with leg stumps, she has missing fingers, half blind, with the smoke of a cigarette burning in her collapsed lungs. If only she could do things differently.

She goes back, and picks the Nurture power that nobody had taken, because it was in the sacrifice category, it hollows you bones, you lose the feeling of touch, of taste, smell, a kidney.

things like that, for a power of nature, to be able to grown things despite the frigid cold

That is not the story that I am going to write today, it is just a sort of musing you know, I am kinda of in variable states of confusion to anyone who deems to read this notes.


I just put to paper this idea to declutter my mind, whenever a write a idea down, It feels like a weight I carry in my shoulders get lighter, maybe is the weight of wasting ideas that gives me all this shoulder tension.

I have so much to write about, but no will to do it, my drive for writing is just, I want to better than X and Y, but then, so what, whats the point of doing that for the sake of others?  I want to write something for myself, Is that too much to ask for the ability to write things that would bring me happiness, like, c’mon, I really want to do the thing that I know I can, that I was born to do, I want to write, than I will be writing, I care not for the ways of heaven, I will write, I will be writing, and I will do it with the passion and love my little heart can holds, I want to believe the smell of burned meat was a way to signal that he did not eat meat, but, oh well, the piteous look he gave me after the act, ahh, how to say it, I guess I can’t get mad with him for too long, it happens as it happen, I wonder if it is damaging or not for the hearing, it does what it does, and I do what I do, I will be writing until I reach a goal, my goal, 5 k words


Well, I have to focus a little more this part, I have story to write right now, and the only thing I know is that I want to write something fluffy, some kind of romance, like, it is kinda of depressing how horrible stuff is spewed from my fingers like silk, while all the fluff and good stuff are like lead, I really want to write some cute romance, I want to do good on my ancestrals,


But, I want to write romance, I want to write comedy, lets try some banter

why not

“I wish we could stay like this for a long time”

“Long time? wouldn’t it be more romantic to say forever?”

“I guess it would, but forever is a very long time, and there is so much more… interesting things we can do together”

“Oh, and what do you have in mind?”

“Not telling you, I want to stay like this a little longer”

“You are such a tease”

“I try to be”

Let me tell, I had to stop writing that because it started playing gangsta paradise, and damn, it just felt so…  white? like, no problem with white, but this song makes me want to write something like a blood boiler.

(I... What does that even mean? I guess white hot anger? the fuck was that bitch on? not sleep for sure, but dang, you dumb as hell for that)

I wonder what I am going to write for the story of today.


Among The Stars


Gay Best Friend System

Congratulations User Daniel Cartridge, For Meeting All Requirements, You Are Now Bound With The “Gay Best Friend System”.

The what now?

I was greeted by this flying prompt in my vision right after waking up. Maybe the pressure of the midterms were too much and I have finally snapped, but I have read too many novels to not know what to do in this kind of situation.

The room...  was still mine, my roommate was nowhere to be seen. My side of the room was a complete mess,  littered with dirty laundry and old magazines that I found in a dumpster (They were in such great state), I was due to clean it up anytime this week...

No No No, I am getting side tracked “what is up with this Gay Best Friend System?

[I am glad you asked User, The Gay Best Friend System, or G.B.F.S for short is the auxiliar system that will help you fulfill your supporting character duties]

I… What?

“Supporting character for whom?” I, don’t even know what to say

[The Main Characters Obviously]

.

.

.

And who the fuck are the main characters?????????

\------

“Okay, so there is 5 rom com stories waiting to happen in this campus and I am the one who has to kick start all of them?”

[Yes user, but… do you really want to talk about it in the showers, I worry that someone might think you are crazy for talking alone]

“Yep, I can’t start my day without a good hot shower”




I am going to start writing about something else, because I losing a lot of steam fixating on that concept for too long, so, I am thinking about something other, I have no idea what that other thing is going to be, but, oh well, it is going to be alright

The darkness of the forest was… quite oppressive, to say the least, I couldn’t even see a palm in front of my face. I wonder how I ended up in this situation.


I really shouldn’t have accepted that drink


let’s talk about I have no idea, I am wondering what to talk about, when I plan to write something, it feels way more harder than just spewing words, like writing is harder than word vomiting, like, the brin in my muscles are quite not what they used to be.


I want shiny things


lets try writing without music, I think that half of my brain power is being devoted to understand the melody or something like that, I I really need my whole brain for writing this here that I am writing right now, I wonder, I am going to put that exert of a possible novel into my coherent stories? I guess I will, since I am finding a lot more relaxing doing this since the burden of having to write a story is what I am always dreading

So, today I wanted to talk about romance, no doubt, because I am a sex crazed maniac, no, that also, but I really want to work this thing called love that I never felt but love to see it in the works of media that I consume, like, no doubt, the only serotonin that I get nowadays is from kissing scenes in rom com, it is actually, a little sad.
(I remember that time, I was binge reading all my favorite gay mangas, the smut probably was the only thing that kept me going)

Okay, so, I have a lot of things to do

I don’t know where to start.

I am by no means wanting to implode into thousand pieces, like, I have this dream where I just cease to exist, what is left behind is just this 1000 pounds of books that are instant success left in my wake, or something like that

run with the wind, run against it, but never stop running, against the current is never better, but if you have no plan and just lets yourself get dragged, or worse, full stopping, the end will not be nearly as satisfying as anything that could ever come if you never stopped

I have so much to do, I have so much to catch up to, and it almost feels a little late

so, I am thinking about doing that thing you do when you don’t know what to do,


I am going to explain my thought process behind that story that I was going to tell once my abilities get up to par with my vision, so, unless I am able to make the good thing that I am hoping on doing, but unlike everything in my life, it was put into hold


but I decided to make it into something moving once again

That concept has crystalized in my brain, but like


A story about the cult in a small city

there is this horrible creature, older than time itself, but so very weak


I believe the concept beyond this being is the fear of the unknown, this eldritch entities has heavy influence from the works of ma boy, h.p lovecraft, just kidding, he is no boy of mine, that piece of shit.


But, existential horror, huh? It is like the bread and butter of culture nowadays, like, avengers endgame was the epitome of eldritch, or not, eldritch would be a force where you are completely helpless about being able to deal with it, like space, unknown, vast, horrible, we know so much about space and at the same time, we know so fucking little, it is a little scary if I were to be honest. I wonder if the universe has a floor, like, I know that up and down are concepts to help humans manage to exist at all, but like, is universe expanding like a perfect sphere, or is that like, strands of universe that are further from the main body, like tentacles, and between these tentacles, there is nothing at all, like, is there a chamber where our universe is being constantly expanding, but never able to outgrown the space on it? I kinda of get really fearful about that subject

Like, what is this thing that we live on, I chose to focus on art, because it is so damn dreadful that thing we call universe, like, hell no, hells to the no, fearing this horrible thing that no human mind is able to wrap itself around it, I wish it wasn’t so bug, so complicated, I want to know, I want an answer, I want to know everything, I want to be the most knowledgeable, I want to be the bitch you go to to learn science, I wish my ramblings where more sedated, more understandable.


I kinda of wish I could write a story with something that brought myself as much dread as thinking about the nature of the universe brings to me, to get only one drop of the indescribable on the planet earth, and se how horrible it disfigures the things about, how it warps the human mind, the land and its animals, even the laws of the very thing that the universe is made of, I kinda of wonder why is there depression at all, people worrying about not being good enough or peaking and now only going downhill, but that is evil, that self centeradness, when you accept that you don’t matter at all, you can experiment true freedom, I am like, positive nihilist, I believe there is no greater goal, I believe that it was all a great blunder and we are now here as the consequence of actions taken against anyone's will.


So, when you finally accepts that you truly will never amount to anything, there is no escape to the end, you can finally be free, like, isn’t that the most beautiful thing ever, to be free, nothing matters, so lets dance all night, and all the nights to come, I will drown myself into hedonism, I will do all the things that there is to do, as long as I have intengrity of body and mind,

I have some ideas about that goddamn Gay best friend system idea.


Like, the protagonist is this tall, beefy guy, who has quite the intimidating aura, could be mistake by a thug, or something of the like, has this ferocious, hot blooded expression, he is the epitome of boys will be boys

he is like the sumobem of guyhood, the manliest and beefyest of men.

the thing is, the system ends up in his hand because the original host bonded first with the final villain system or something like that

he is like a deutaragonist, he will have his own arch, own pairing, the protagonist will be foiling his schemes

but like, not in a forward way, no, he can’t solve the main protagonist problems for them, he has to nudge them in the right direction, and in some ways than other


“My… friend?”

“Yes, my name is Orteil for that matter, I decided I want to be friends with you”

“You didn’t need to though please, please leave”

She looked fidgety, I guess I am a strange guy who approached her with a strange request, is she afraid of me?

“I am serious about wanting to be your friend, I swear there is ulterior reason, for that matter, I am gay”

at the mention of my sexuality, she paused at putting her stuff away.

“You are?” she looked me in the eye

“Yes” I answered, I don’t want to startle her, and I need to specify for the system kick into action.

she still looked a little on edge, but her shoulders seemed less tense

I don’t think I would read this trash if it was written by any kind of person, be it another gay man or a woman, I would be too busy puking after reading that thing up there (I was too harsh on myself, I guess if I kept thinking about it, maybe I could've make the next Quickly Wear The Face of The Devil)

So, I wonder about revenge plots, in romance I don’t like them, where they get into a relationship to take revenge on them, I find it horrible, manipulative, and over all, I hate the feeling of it, I don’t think I would to like to make something on that vein, in fact, I doubt I will ever write about this


but it is a great source of drama though, I wish I knew how to make drama

Glow is one series that I quite like

It is very dramatic

The protagonist, I kinda of didn’t like her at the beginning, but damn if she didn’t grown on me, I just want to write something on that in the future, I doubt it would be as good, I believe life is so short, too short in fact, for those kind of musings

Rain

I heard the pitter patter of the rain on the pavement, I have no idea when it started raining, it wasn’t a very hard rain, I kind of wish I knew things.

You know, sometimes I have this musings, like, if I was a youtuber, what I would talk about

and the most reoccurring topic would be, what is my type of man, and I would say all this fictional characters

and the only thing that they have in common, is that they all are dilfs.

Sugimoto, no, probably all the male main cast of golden kamuy, they can have me if they want, with the exception of the pervert doctor, he no. (I think the perverted doctor was the guy that stuffed his own mom, taxidermy and stuff, but he had no medical knowledge???)

the father in kippo, the zombie daddy Duaine from Unsouded, Dwayne the rock Johnson, I guess that the fact that you are a dad, and you are good at it, does something to me you know? tickles me right into the daddy issues.

and now we reach 3 thousand

Give me some time alone, and I will be writing from beyond the grave, I doubted it was going to be possible, but now, I think I am actually believing I can actually do this, like, man, that feels a little good, to have confidence, in myself, I am not really that fond of myself on the normal days, but thinking about gaining the ability to do the things that I want to do, like, I doubt I can even believe

Silk Road, I wonder if I can write something as good as ol tabitha 55 years old. (Mentioning Re: Trailer Trash, so goddamn perfect, you should give that one a read, it's free)

I wonder what will be my first success.

I know what will be my first one in fact, that story about the eldritch cult small town, I want that, I am waiting to make that a reality, when I am so good, but so good, that I can write without the fear of wasting myself away

I woke up in the body of a teenager, in fact, it is my body, from fifteen years ago, this bedroom, I that it has taken so long since the last time I saw it

I hate the darkness, it wells inside my chest, chewing away all the good will, all the color of my life, making it dimmer than the light of this lamp, obviously you can’t see it because I am not going to attach a photo, but it is the one beside my bed, I am working truly hard to becoming the writer I am destined to be, I want to make my dreams come true, and for that reason, I need to write, I need to write even more than I am writing right now, I want to write myriad of meaningful stories, but, like, I have no idea from where to begin, write a thriller, write a rom com, write horror, whichever project I make will ended up being a horror to me, I will feel anxiety, I will fell so trapped into my own mind, I just want to see where my life will lead me to, I hear it, I hate it, I loo for life, I wonder, I wonder life

I kinda of wished I would not need to speak to myself to get all this words out, I wanted that the words coming out of my fingers would be stories, tomorrow I will work to improve the ratio of rambling to content, I know that I am going to improve, I just need to get on with the program, man, pirateaba is such a professional person, I wish I had half the idea of what to do, I know she started with small chunks and grew from there. but hell if it isn’t hard to not envy that success


The mound of cats made an awful noise, like a meowning through a wet iron pipe full of holes

I wonder if teacher would be proud of me, I know which teacher I am thinking about, you will never know

but I am pretty sure that they are not very proud of what I am making myself to be, since I failed this year

so, not a very fun feeling, I really wish it wasn’t like that, but like, depression man, depression shanked me square in ears, I really want to hide myself in a mound of something, life fluff feathers, or cotton, maybe pudding, but the pudding would attract too many flies and ants, so I could not stay for too long

I wonder If I could chew through a cow if I really wanted to, you know, not like eat a whole cow, but like, if I were to be in a very narrow tunnel, and you have this cow blocking the path diagonally, could I chew through her to get to the other side?

probably yes

Unravel at the seams Sam, let me see what you look like without any pointless weight holding you back, morals, what are morals when you starve on the streets, each night a new challenge, what is going to get to you, the addicts? the abandoned war veterans? maybe a couple of teenagers with a few loose screws in the head, but you are smarter than that, but you can’t outsmart the cold, can you? it is snowing, and you are hungry, you can barely stand on your own two damn feet, just break in, you don’t have to steal nothing, just enter the goddamn house, they must have a basement, you can hide there for the night and get out when it is less cold I know you have the skill, the way you know how pick locks, you fool no one trying to act innocent like that, just be true to your nature, take what you need.

I am going to enter auto mode, to pad up the lenght, lets muse, about my childhood no less, I believed in magic, I believed in a lot of things, let me tell you, I had a very hard and difficult time sleeping when I learned about creepypastas, Like I remember I must not even be in the fourth grade, no, I was a little older than that when I learned about the goddamn world of horror for teenagers, man, did horror make a number on my psyche, maybe that is why I am so problematic

I wonder when I will be able to type without having to look at the keyboard, not yet by the looks of it

Rafael was so fidgety, I remember how his hands trembled a little before he started typing, and them he would write super fast, like, so fast that I wonder if that trembling was like starting a motor, or something,

I really don’t want to drag this project into the night, I want to finish before the end of the day, but I have like half an hour to write like, a thousand and a little more

Well, now it is a perfect four thousand

I wonder what will be my next horror project, like, I liked office job, but at my core, I know it is not even close to being good, it is my first finished big project, but I kinda of wish I would have done something more with that, you know?

I am going to be writing this thing about, I don’t know, wolves or some shit, and by that, I want quite the wild stuff

I wonder if I have fear of the woods, it does seems like a awful place to be at night

like, remember slender man, that bitch was a little scary, I was pretty sure he would take me and make me a proxy, it is such a weird fear, but like, I was a dumb child

I kinda of want to make a creepypasta, I wonder what would be my creepy character, I wonder if they would be taken to the slender mansion


slendrina is such a shitty name for a feminine version of slender, and she like, ripped right out of the grudge

Quite the weird thing

I want a memorable character, so maybe, Echo hears you, a creepypasta on the fear of someone invading your house without needing to set a foot to it.

I haunted alexa maybe, probably not, but how funny would that be if I had a an alexa, I swear to god, I am never going to buy that cursed thing

I wish life was a little more fun that it currently is for me, but by all intents and purpose, I kinda of can see why you are so sick all the time, the fan, dressing lightly, drinking cold beverages on the daily, it did quite the number on your throat. (Every morning I wake up with a sore throat, fucking kill me)

Hold still

you have so little to finally reach your goal, I want to write even faster, even more, I want something to give me sense in this life, I want to look up to waking up, I really wish I had more depth than I have right now, I really I wrote something more meaningful, I really wish I had something with meaning to say nowadays, but I really am just stumbling my way around this thing called writing, but how do I say it, I am so ashamed by most things that are made by me, after I outgrown this rotten version of myself, I am going to make so much money, I will have so much success.

I am destined to greatness, as long as I do the things that need to be done, like, work hard for once, you fucking slacker, I am pretty sure that when I reach the right amount of angst, exhaustion, and just being done of myself to write this kind of thing, I wonder if this is like a diary, I am so busy living in my own head, that this here might even count as a precise retelling of my life, tomorrow, I am thinking and let the story for last, like, should I write the 5 thousand words and then try writing a story? I wonder if I am even able to do something like that?

I am going to wait until I reach, like, 2.5 k words to start

Should I try writing something.. more? here at the end, I kinda of want, but for me to think about an idea that would make me excited, I would need to, like, work into it, work more than I am willing to put tonight, I think tomorrow, after writing my first story, I will work on doing something like that

no I will be doing this today.

When I was a child, my dad told me that setbacks are the way God uses to tough us up, so we are able to overcome anything.

But I wondered, if every setback is from god, wouldn’t anything in need to be overcome also be God’s doing? so, God wants to tough us up so we could overcome all the shit he would throw my way?

I wonder so much that I started questioning life itself, why should we live to overcome setbacks when god is doing it so he could throw even worse stuff at us?

It didn’t pan out in my mind

so, I stopped believing in god

obviously, what made me stop believing in god was not that up there, that was a story I just created, what made me lose faith in god was an atheist facebook page, now that I look back, it was quite cringe, but everything was quite cringe in those days

I am almost, there, not quite yet, but soon, soon I will be worthy of going to bed, I just want to gay out and ride a cock like a cowboy at a rodeo, I know that I really want to try the cow girl position, to feel that hot throbbing cock deep inside of myself, to be able to control the rhythm, going up and down, milking that dick, seeing the guys face trying to hold his expression, him trying to control that pathetic face we make when we are about to cum, but I make sure that he will be not able to control himself, oh god, I am going to make a lucky man very happy one day. ( I have ridden 3 guys total, yep, that is not even my bodycount, but good god, can you believe I was a virgin when I wrote that? lord have mercy)


I am horny, I am so clearly horny that it is kinda of funny.

Holding that throbbing cock in my hands, my face so close to his crotch, the smell filling my nose, the musk of sweat and piss, it made me dizzy, my mouth watering I just want to push it so deep into my throat to bury my nose in his pubes.

I wonder about that, like, I think I am not hard because of the blasting song in my ears, like, god awful loud, but my balls are aching, and now, I really am thinking about beating my meat.

So I am gonna do that.